“Jealousy is a tiger that tears not only its prey but also its own raging heart”

...That is how it feels...

I once told a person that I would never get jealous... That with me, he wouldn't have such a problem... it did not exist in my.."inventory"...

...I was wrong....

And for that I am ashamed.

Not jealous or fearful like someone would steal him away from me...
For that I know would never happen.
He loves me..and I love him... more then anything.
But jealous, because with them..he has something I can't have...
...with them and her...
I am jealous..not because of *what* they do...
But because I can have no part in it..
Because *They* have something I don't...
Because with them....it's...OK....

I tried long to let it go...
I fought hard against my demons...but I lost...
I am jealous...because to the world...I do not exist...

It's complicated...

Who would know to look behind the lines...?
I stare at it every day...hoping that *Today*...today it changes...
But I am still looking...
And it has not yet changed...

I read the wall every day...
Every day there is more.. more laughter...
And I envy them...
I envy them their freedom...
Freedom to speak openly...and laugh...

He is happy then...
Who am I to change that?
Who *am* I?

To the world I do not exist...
It's complicated...
Your little friend...

Hundreds of words every day...
And every day it hurts just a little more...
Because at those moments..those days...
I am alone...and I feel lonely..
And I fight...
And I bite..

But I never stop loving...
I never stop wanting...
And it scares me...

Because... *who* am I...?
To the world I do not exist...

So I am jealous..
I envy those that *do* exist...
Who *are* allowed...

And I am ashamed...
Because it's not my place...

I can wait...
Because I love...
More then anything..

...I love you...


“And oft, my jealousy shapes faults that are not...”
-William Shakespeare-