Yep..that pretty much puts the words on how it's been these last couple of days since my last entry. :)
I've come to think about myself a little...a little look into how my mind works...and guess what??
I'm more whacked up then I first thought...sigh...lol
No seriously, I'm completely fucked up at times... I'm so damaged up there at times I find it hard to even understand why or even *how* someone is capable of loving me!!... :S
We all have our problems... some think too much..some panic too much..and then there's those who have all of the above, but also other things...
We all live our life with experiences from the past stuck some dark place in our mind, and that sneaks up on us when we least want it..
I thought I didn't have that...or rather that I was past that... but now that I think about it, I have come to understand that I'm really really not...
Well to understand better maybe I should take you through a trip in my brain..meet the spooks and the dust sort of... :D
I was finally born on an autumn night of 1985, at the hospital, after putting my mother through hell...no really.
She was in labour for 4 days give or take.. I just didn't want to come out.
The process of giving birth, having done so myself, takes for first mothers in Norway, around 10-16h.
Statistically.....
Mine lasted 11h... but unlike my mother, I was pretty much only in pain on *two* occasions..
1. When I came in, my contractions were not textbook, they were a surprisingly 5min apart right from the start... and quite strong.
2. When the evil "push" contractions set in. Because that they can't sedate.
From what I've been told by my mother, though she doesn't like to talk about her birth with me, but she was overdue with me, about 3 weeks time, so they had to start the birth at the hospital, because I just didn't want to come out by myself..
This didn't go quite as planned and she was stuck at the hospital in pain, because not much seemed to work, in a birth that took almost 4 days. In the end she was so tiered, and I was so tiered, that they had to drag me out by force...
I was a very large baby, messuring 51cm long, and 4550g...on photos of me and another girl born on the same day as me, I look like a 3 month old baby...
The whole process of getting me out so to speak, was very traumatizing for my mother, and my father.
A lot of mothers never have more then one child because of it, and some, like in my mother and father's life, it took 7 years before my two brothers were born.
Not that I ever felt unwanted, or not loved... but my upbringing was quite different than that of my two brothers. They are twins, and born in -92.
From what I've been told I was not a very good baby... I pretty much never slept, and even as I grew and at the age of four, I would still wake before the birds...lol...
I used to then put on my wellingtons and go outside to the playground.
Then the nabour would phone my parents up, and tell them their little girl was on the swings again...
For years this has been one of the family "jokes" when talking about how differcault I was as a child.
Because that I was...differcault. I was stubborn, a hard nail, but occasionally very sweet, it's just that my parents seem stuck on the negative when it comes to me...
Moving on through the years I grew, as we normally do, and this is when my father and mother and their manner of discipline comes in... I've talked with my father about this, last time I was home and had a "mental breakdown" because I think there's something wrong with me, and he doesn't remember much from when I was growing up. At least that's what he told me. Though he remembers quite a lot of my two brothers.
It's not easy being the first and oldest child..anyone can tell you that, because we are sort of the "test" object to our parents. When our siblings come along, they sort of gave up on a lot of things, and I'm sure many of you can look back and think that..."that's not how I was brought up", or "if *I* had done that growing up, my dad would have killed me". Any of that sound familiar?
It is to me...*alot*..
I was never abused, or beat up in those terms by my parents, but they did smack me, verbally put me down, and ever so often it did feel like a good beating.
For example my dad has a temper...
When I was growing up, if I talked back, I would get a smack at the back of the head or near my ears.
I remember it not really *hurting* so much, but it made me jump like hell...
Verbally my mother has been the worst I think, my dad has always been more with the smacking, though she did as well, but she...she had it on her toung...
I had my first relationship at the age of 14, with a man 6 years my senior. And to this day, that relationship still makes my back hairs stick out...
He was good to me, in he's way at the start.. I'll give him that, but he seeked to control and show me off to he's friends...
At the time I was quite active and happy, I had lots of friends and I played football (soccer).
I was athletic and sexy and had the biggest boobs of all the girls... but I was never pretty.
As I said I played soccer when I met my first bf, but after a few months, an old injury in my right knee doomed me to play more, and I was told by the orthopaedic that if I didn't put my shoes in the closet so to speak, I would have to undergo surgery next time...
So that's what I did. I quite football, and then the thing that's actually bothered me more then anything happened....
I gained weight...
My bf had a very unhealthy food intake. There was loads of candy, soda, and other unhealthy foods, but as long as I was active and played football, I didn't put on a single pound.
When I quit however, I did...
Thing with him was that he was so into the whole body thing... he wanted girls who looked like supermodels, that's what he sees as normal and sexy.
No one wants girls who are fat and ugly.
At least that's what I was told for years.
He wasn't the only one going on about my weight.. my remaining friends...my family...they *all* had a problem with my weight gain...
Not that it was "a lot" at first it was just 10kg! That you didn't even see! I put on 10kg and I still fit all my clothes etc, on pictures it didn't show... but he noticed.... and so did my mother...
The next 3 years was spent eating, starving, and puking...
I developed all 3 of the eating disorders, but my family refused to realise it... I didn't need help in their eyes, I was just acting up, what would people say? Get your act together! I got a call from your teacher today, what is this your saying to her?! That your having a hard time?! What sort of mother must they think you have?! You get your act together and you stop this nonsense.....
That's how it was... I had a big problem..but it was treated as nothing.
When my first bf broke up with me, because I was too fat for him, I was hurting him if I sat on he's lap, he couldn't fit in the bed, he didn't want me to come with him to see friends... etc... the list goes on about he's excuses and words of "wisdom".
Then I met a new person, whom I today have a son with. Again I spent 3 years in a relationship, but this one I broke off myself. I was really sick, I was in the hospital for 3 months, and in the end I just couldn't do it any more, and I tried to kill myself....
This gave my family a sort of wake up call, but it had it's prize...
After we broke it off and I moved out, we shared custody 50%. Our son spent 1 week with me, and 1 week at he's dad's. This went on for over 1 year.
During this all, I was seeing a psychologist and I had two social workers sort of who came to see me and talk to me at my home. I was on medication, I was up to my neck in debt and at times I couldn't get out of bed...
In this all, I played a game called WoW. This game has given me both good times and bad times...lol...
Well this first time I fell in love with an English man (for the first time ;) ). He was 3 years older then me, he was a pastry chef and he lived..I don't remember any more, I want to say Isle of White or something, it was along those lines, anyway... so I met this man, he was the best friend of my GM, best friend in RL...
We started talking, and friendship became something more... He told me he loved me and he wanted to come see me. And so he did, he came to see me, he stayed with me for 1 week. And it was really really good. I felt loved and I felt happy for the first time in a very long time... but happiness was about to turn into sadness...
He left for home, and I can still remember it quite clearly. I can still remember how sad I was, and how I cried. He kissed the top of my head, and he told me "I'll see you when I get home tonight."
That was the last time he ever spoke to me....
Four days later I woke to find a message on my skype... where he told me this wouldn't work etc...
I was heartbroken.
Not that I blame him... I was...a lot..of work.. I cried a lot etc...
But I got over that experience... and I told myself that ...fuck it...he was a coward and an asshole for not telling me anything. And slowly I moved on.
I re-rolled character to ally gnome warrior, and I started fresh on a new server. A few months later I was in a guild again with a lot of Danish people. And again I fell in love with someone on wow....
But this time, I was more withholding, I was taking things more slow.
I was *terrified* of a re occurring event. But he understood...or so he told me...
He came to see me, stayed here a week, and again I fell in love, but he did talk to me when he got home... there was a guild meeting occurring in Amsterdam that summer, and I went.
Not that it was a real guild meeting, turned out in the end that it was just me, my "bf" and he's best friend...
Apart from getting high, and drunk... it was the worst vocation I've ever had....
I've never felt so alone before in my entire life.... you see.... my "bf" couldn't do anything with only me, everywhere he's best friend had to be with us, 24/7... I felt more and more depressed and more and more alone... and when we came back to Copenhagen, because that's where they lived, I was suppose to stay 1 week with him there, but he threw me out...
Yes... he told me this wasn't working, he booked me the first plane ticket in the morning back home, and he shipped me off to the airport...
Again I felt used, lonely and broken....
After that I stopped playing wow for a while.. and I promised myself I would never fall in love over the internet again...ever....
But..that didn't go as planned. Once again I fell in love, but this time with a Norwegian. Someone from my own country, though not from my own city. He's the reason I'm living in the city I am atm...
Though we broke up now, it was 2 years of both good and bad...
I did love him, for a long time... he helped me out of my shell...he showed me that I wasn't useless...
He gave me a new start on life so to speak... but it didn't last...
We had our differences and this past year we weren't doing too good sadly.
I was still klinging on though...for months.... but in the end I had to do what was right for me and fair to him.
Even though he doesn't see it that way.
I guess when I fell in love while in a relationship with him, is when I realised that something was majorly wrong.
I've never done that before... I don't work like that... I can't *look* at other men when I'm in a happy relationship... seriously... I don't see *anyone* else then whom I love... and I've always been like that.
I'm told I'm a bit strange that way, but my brain just doesn't work like that...
So I fell in love with a wonderful, thoughtful, good man... and I love him very very much.
Nothing feels wrong...I want to tell the world, I want to not feel like I should be ashamed.
But sadly patients is not one of my virtues. And sometimes I get sad without even knowing why...
Sometimes things have a major impact on me, and I can't really explain how...
This is like *the* longest post ever written, but I just had so many swirl of thoughts... :S
I want to *Be* better then what I am... I want to understand better...and I want to *not* misunderstand so much and see the bad things instead of the good things that are really there...
So from now on I have decided that I'm going to try and be a better person.
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