...You know that you are in love...when the hardest thing to do...is say good bye...

Never has truer words been spoken....
I'm sitting here now...it's almost 8am, I've got a job interview at 11am, and I haven't slept at all this night...
You might ask why?
Well... I've been having so many dreams... some are good, some are strange...but sadly recently and especially tonight, they were of the bad sort... :(
That on top of the dam dog making a dam fuzz all night didn't help either...sigh...

And I miss Stephen.... :`(
A lot... no, more then a lot.. I feel empty without him.
Like a huge part of me is missing...and the only thing that makes it go away is his presence.
He's arms around me..sleeping next to me... but not yet...
I know I'm selfish..to want so much... but I can't help it.
He was just here, not long ago, in fact I even got him here twice this month, which is more then anyone could ask for in a long distance relationship, but.... I miss him so much!
And I love him so dam much it's both scary and wonderful at the same time!
I want *everything* with him! He's *the* one!
But I have to have patients... We have atm some "complications" if you will... they lay heavy on my shoulders, and he's..but I know that in the end, the wait and patients will be worth it...

Because I love him more then I have ever loved anyone else...and I miss him more then I have ever missed anyone else...apart from my son ofc. :)

My son... it's been weeks since I've spoken to him...
And that makes me sad... sometimes I wonder if I'm a good mother...
It's not that I mean for it to go so long between visits and words... but my phone is disconnected so I can't use my own..and money is an issue atm so I don't know if I will see him next month either... sigh... :`(
I should be able to put the sadness aside and ring him more often... but every time I hear he's voice..sees him on video... it breakes my heart...and I feel like I've failed him.
Like my mother said... you don't leave your children behind...
But at the time I *know* I did the right thing... it's just that what was suppose to only be a 6mnd temp. solution.. turned into almost two years now... Two years now in May...
Time moves quickly...
And he's growing up so fast...and I feel like I've missed half of it...
He's father never tells me anything...never keeps me up to date on anything....
We never speak...apart from when we have to...
It's unfair..because I *know* I can give him so much better then he's father can... I *have* time for him.. I have everything planned out for him... but he's father doesn't want to be reasoned with...
Yet he's work schedule doesn't make him able to take care of Zacharias alone.. so he's depending on others... Sending him off for one night here, and one night there... while he has to go to work.. because he doesn't work only days as would be normal when you have a small child..
He works nights and weekends aswell...
Yet he claims to be the better parent...
And he still fight's to have him..but for the wrong reasons...
He only wants it so that we are equal...
There has to be 50/50 with J... or nothing...
He claims that I have no more claim on the child then he has.. but Zach is not a toy... he's not something you claim... he's a small boy.. and he needs he's mum....
No matter what anyone says... you can never imagine the same bond as what a mother has to her child...
A father can be the best of all fathers... but the mother... there is a special bond between mother and child.. made from birth...and even before hand... he knew my voice before anyone else... he knew my touch and my smell... I was the first person he saw when he was born...
A bond like that can never be broken... or replaced... no one will ever love him as I do... no one has ever loved him as I do...
When he's tiny cries sounded during the night, it was I who fed him...sang to him... and lulled him back to sleep... it was my face he saw as I nursed him..my eyes he held as he drank.
It was my smell he longed for when we came home from the hospital... so I took my pillowcase and I rested it next to him where he lay in he's crib...and he fell asleep...
And it was I who woke when he cried...

All these things and so much more....
But we can't have the world...

I love you both...more then you will ever know...